Dear Oriah
Many years ago I accepted The Invitation gratefully.
Someone re-sent it to me
Today.
I enjoyed it all over again.
This time with fresh eyes,
Older eyes,
Tired eyes.
And I thought hard:
I’m still not sure what I do for a living
(Not that this interests you!)
Because I am daring to dream of meeting my heart’s longing
And being a lawyer in a small law firm wasn’t going to cut it.
I have risked looking like a fool for love
I think it’s going OK.
I wake up next to him every day and smile.
I have risked looking like a fool
for the adventure of being alive
and rode a 3 day mountain biking event this year.
Yes, I felt alive.
But scared to death!
I have spent much time sitting with pain,
Someone beloved in such excruciating agony
that I could not fix or fade.
Last week I touched
the centre of my own sorrow.
I watched
A final breath.
My heart broke in that moment.
Maybe this will let more light in.
Oh, I miss her so very much.
With regard to the betrayals,
Well Oriah, I’m doing my best to stay open.
I disappointed others to stay true to myself.
Mm, how to stay true to myself?
It’s a whole new skill!
I’m in the slow class.
But I’m giving myself the class prize this week.
I’m learning what sustains me
From the inside
When all else fades away.
I do love to spend time alone
And I like the company I keep
In the empty moments.
Right now, on a balance of probabilities
I can say
I love myself.
(Almost all the time)
One day,
I shall be able to say
I love myself
Beyond all reasonable doubt.
All the time!
I am finding the people
Who will stand in the fire with me
And not shrink back.
It feels good.
I shall continue to accept your Invitation
Thank you.
Amanda x
