Authenticity is understanding one’s own nature and making choices consistent with that nature. You can’t be authentic unless you understand your own nature.
I found this on a website when I was looking up Socratic Dialogue, which is a fascinating method I might like to work with, but not right now. I want to focus on authenticity.
When I read this quote I thought “Yes! That’s what’s happening for me right now! A major all-consuming quest for authenticity!”
I don’t know when I started the quest, but it has definitely intensified over the last 5 months or so. I’m searching and searching and I have moments of being exhausted by the journey. Moments of wondering why I couldn’t just have been a party planner, with 2 kids and a Labrador and a husband who plays golf and pays most of the bills. A picket fence. And a mortgage. And a nice glass or three of Chardonnay at the end of the day. But that was never meant to be, for me.
I’ve spent almost a decade understanding my own nature, with the assistance of some wonderful guides. It wasn’t really a conscious choice to start this exploration, I just reached a point where my lifestyle was completely unsustainable and unless I stopped to figure myself out I was going to self-destruct pretty soon.
But I think I only started truly establishing a clearer picture of my own nature in the last year. Of course it’s a lifelong process. Having a clearer sense of who I am is allowing me to work on making choices consistent with that nature.
Sometimes I look at other people’s lives and feel so unsorted. I mean the facts are: I have no home of my own, no job, no husband, no kids. And I’m 34 years old which is practically middle-aged. Some might view this as bleak!
But today, with radical clarity I can see a new way of looking at these facts: I have had so much time, space and such incredible resources in the last decade to grow and develop into the person I want to be. I have 2 degrees and speak 4 languages. I live in a beautiful apartment overlooking the sea. I have a wonderful boyfriend I get to figure all this stuff out with. (Who thinks golf sucks and prefers to throw himself down mountains with only 2 wheels and a bit of lycra between him and serious injury.) I have mountains to run on and sea to swim in - in fact I have a really strong body that I can use for any sport I choose. I have no boss to bitch about, instead I am meeting the most interesting conscious people that I would still want to work with if I won the lottery tomorrow. I have deep and meaningful relationships with a wide variety of people that enrich my life.
This is so far from bleak!
Having no mortgage, no husband and no kids means I have absolute freedom to make choices around:
- What type of work or career aligns with my true nature?
- What organisation or colleagues can I work with that will allow me to be authentic?
- How would I like to divide up my time between work and play and recreation?
- How do I want my primary relationship to look? Short term, long term, who’s washing the dishes tonight term?
- What sort of living space do I want to live in that feels authentic?
- What spiritual practices feel like they reflect who I really am and will help me find what I am looking for?
- Socially, who do I want to hang out with in order to feel I am able to be myself?
- How do I work around family dynamics, bearing in mind that no matter how I show up today, they may still see the “me” of 10 years ago?
I’m just celebrating my new lens on my own life. Acceptance of where I’m at right now.
I wonder why is it so difficult for me to hold onto feeling satisfied? Why do I forget how wonderful it is to have choices?
I don’t know what I’ll be thinking tomorrow. Or tonight. But right now, I’m blessed to be where I am, in the middle of my quest for authenticity. Universe, please help me remember how this feels. Help me remember I always have a choice around how I view things.
