Calamity Jane

I think I’m quite a scaredy cat but I’m learning that I am quite brave too. I have read that bravery is not about not being scared but about being scared and doing stuff anyway. And this I do! Because I am scared a LOT, but I do a LOT of things anyway, I must be brave! I love the approach to fear written about on The Fluent Self blog. 2 days ago while away for the weekend, I found myself riding through a forest I’ve never ridden in before - Harkerville near Knysna. Such sweet awesome singletrack through deep cool jungle, with monkeys! And thick creepy vines, and spider webs across my face as I bumped over rocks and hopped over logs and skipped my bike around trees and pretended I was a super-amazing mountainbiker way up ahead of everyone else in my imaginary race. Over a stream, and across a small bridge, whoop whoop! Yippeeeeeee! When I got to the end I was so exhilarated I wanted to ride some more. The friends of friends I had been riding with had to go home, and I still had another hour before my boyfriend would be done riding and I didn’t feel like hanging around back at the car. So I set off down another trail on my own. And then I started thinking that although I had a cellphone in my backpack, there was no cell reception...and I started to worry.

“What if I fall? What if I really hurt myself? How is anyone going to find me? I told those people I was doing the yellow trail and actually I’m now on the blue trail because it looked more fun, but no one knows where I am! What happens if I get mugged? I don’t think there’s anyone else on this trail because if anyone had come down here there wouldn’t be this many spiderwebs across the path still. Oh dear, maybe I should turn around, but I can’t because that means I’ll had to ride more uphills.”

But while all this “alack and alas” talk was going on in my head I also heard another voice saying

“Hey, can you be quiet? I’m trying to have some fun! I LOVE this trail! It’s sooooooo cool that I am all on my own! It’s an adventure! I love this! Yippeeeeeee! Maybe there will be some more cool fast downhill in the jungle bits!”

Suddenly it came to me, that the first voice was just Calamity Jane speaking. It’s the first time she’s introduced herself by name actually. But gee, now that I know it, what a perfect name for her! She’s always voicing her opinion on what calamity might befall me next. Luckily, after learning quite a lot from reading blogs (see, it’s not just wasting time when you read a blog) I realised I could have a conversation with Calamity Jane instead of telling her to shut up or getting totally freaked out. I thanked her for her concern in keeping me safe, and acknowledged that she had raised some valid points about my safety. But I was also pretty firm with her that sometimes to have fun, you have to take a risk. I also pointed out that it was a bit late to fix some of these things but that in future I would bear in mind that riding through forests I don’t know on my own is perhaps not such a good idea.

The cool thing was that once she had been listened to, she was OK, and I got to keep riding and having fun!

So here’s to you Calamity Jane for being my protector. I’m not going to try and silence you because I’m learning this makes you shout louder. I will listen to you – and I mean really listen. I can see now that I used to ignore you and the truth is I ended up in some bad situations where bad stuff happened because of this. And you got pissed off about that because you knew I was being stupid and putting myself in risky situations. It makes sense to me now that as a result of all those horrible scary situations I got into, you went into overdrive and had to yell at me about dangers all the time. So I had to spend quite a few years with you bossing me about. You didn’t trust me to keep myself safe. I see that now. It finally makes sense that every time you smelt a whiff of danger you tried to get me the hell out of the situation, even when it turned out it was just a job interview or a party where I didn’t know anyone! But you had learned that it was no good waiting until things got really bad to warn me so instead the moment I felt uncomfortable you’d start shouting out the list of things that could go wrong and telling me to run!

I’m sorry. I really am. I’m a bit older and wiser now and I really do see that you bring a lot to the table. In fact, I can see you make an excellent lawyer because you’re instantly able to see what 20 things might possibly go wrong which is a helluva useful skill when drafting a contract just maybe not so good for everyday living. I’m starting to see that you might be one of my greatest assets rather than a weakness. I promise to become a better listener. Thank you Calamity Jane, for all you do to keep me safe, it means a lot that you care so much about what happens to me.

PS Just to warn you Calamity Jane - I’m going on a massive mountainbiking adventure next week and I’ll be riding 7 days in a row in new places with a bunch of people I don’t know yet. I guess I’ll see you there!

Soul Work

There’s an awesome programme for women that was started in the United States and is steadily expanding around the world. It’s called Woman Within and you can read about it here if you like http://www.womanwithin.org/

I did the weekend programme about 6 years ago and gained a lot although if I am honest, I had already done a lot of personal development work and therapy before that so it wasn’t as ground breaking an experience as it can be for some participants. Last year I decided to get involved again and I went back as a staff member for one of the weekends, just helping on a lowly level to set things up and play a small part in the processes. Staffing was amazing. I feel like it was even more awesome than doing the weekend as a participant. I signed up to be a staff member again this year.

I know it is widely recognised that being of service to humanity is deeply rewarding. Experts in self-development, whether they write from a religious or spiritual or psychological perspective, place being of selfless service at the highest level of personal consciousness. Staffing on a Woman Within weekend is an opportunity to experience this reward. While I could continue in an academic style to discuss the benefits and advantages of helping other women on their journeys, it is such a deeply personal experience that I’ll just tell you about my experience.

I am driving away from a Woman Within weekend of staffing feeling so deeply fulfilled and connected to the women I worked alongside, the women who participated on the course and to all women everywhere. I think about the women around the world who do this work and the courage it takes to step into the fire and find the parts of yourself that you lost or buried years, months, or weeks ago. The parts that had to be shut away when the loss, hurt, betrayal, anger and grief of life lived on life’s terms became too much for your soul to bear. I think about the women who never get the chance to step within themselves, either because they’re too afraid or because their lives are such a struggle for survival that there are no resources to spare on finding one’s personal meaning for existence. I think too, of the many women who live in cultures and countries where women dare not have any voice at all.

Watching the four facilitators from the United States and the UK work with women this weekend, was like seeing miracles take place in front of my eyes. These women are so powerful yet so in touch with their vulnerability. I have been shown a new form of leadership. In fact, a new way of being in the world. These women have spent decades on their own journeys and in facilitating other women’s processes. Their complete presence when helping a woman process an issue is awe-inspiring. At the same time, their humility is astounding. Witnessing divine compassion radiate from a woman’s face while deep in facilitation, I knew I was watching God’s work.

I drive across the mountains towards my home, knowing that this weekend I stopped all the busyness of everyday living and made space to touch my own soul. My soul is grateful. I sing the songs we sang on the weekend just so I can hear once more the joyous sounds of women supporting each other. When I reach my house, I turn off the car and feel the waves of grief rush up and pour down my face. I don’t know if I am crying for all my own old wounds or for the individual women who laid forth their grief in all its rawness this weekend. They did this so that together we could nurture them back to the joy that I believe is our birthright. I cry with abandon for all the women who cannot cry. The women who dare not express their grief in case it consumes them. Until they are able to, I will cry for them. I sit in my car and I cry for lost love. I cry for the agony of betrayal. I cry for the shockingly numerous stories of sexual and emotional abuse often at the hands of people supposed to protect us. I cry for a mother saying goodbye to her dead baby.

Last year I watched a participant as jittery as an abused animal slowly let other women approach her inch by inch. This year I watched in awe as this same woman presented herself on the staff, ready to help other women heal. This is God’s work.

As I cry, my tears change to tears of gratitude that I am able to witness this type of transformation.

I let it all out, knowing that this is just a release. I am OK. When I am done, I get out my suitcase and start singing softly as I make my way inside,

“We are women on a journey,

Shining like the sun.

Shining through the darkest night,

The healing has begun, begun, the healing has begun.”

PS. I am not religious but I believe in spiritual connection. The feeling of divine grace I felt this weekend prompts me to use the word “God” far more than I am used to!

Accepting the Gifts

Accepting the gifts with which you have been blessed is ironically an act of great humility.

Until we have acknowledged and accepted the strengths or assets we have been gifted with, we are always seeking re-assurance about those things. We might seek affirmation about our looks, or affirmation that we are clever. Perhaps it’s affirmation that we run fast or sing well or play great chess. We spend so much precious time and energy, both our own and other people’s, pursuing affirmation. If I am having a conversation with someone and while they talk I am waiting to make my own point, or perhaps mentally criticising theirs, even if this game of one-upmanship is merely in my head, it is preventing me from truly hearing what that person has to say. I am prevented from deep connection with this person because my own insecurities are in the way. If I am worried that what I say might reveal me to be ignorant or stupid, these thoughts are stopping me from connecting in this moment, with this person.

We may be horrified to realise how often we unconsciously seek praise and affirmation, whether it is from a boss or a family member or a partner. We might think we are making the bed because “it’s the right thing to do” but perhaps if we delve a little deeper we might realise that we don’t really care about the bed being made but we know our partner does and she will be so happy with me if I do it! With all these unconscious motivations at work, life is complicated... But awareness, as always, is the first step.

I think so much of the unconscious game-playing in the never-ending quest for affirmation would automatically fall away if we accept ourselves as we are, which means the good stuff as well as the shadow stuff. By accepting our gifts and integrating them, we can move on, beyond the search for affirmation, to connect with people and to be of service to the world in a simpler way. In our strange society, we’re taught to deny our strengths, as if that were somehow a sign of humility, when actually it’s completely the opposite. I’m pondering that only when I can accept my strengths will I reach a level of humility that stops me constantly seeking affirmation from all those around me.

When I was part of a group of women doing emotional growth work we finished the course by all the women reaching agreement on the words they thought best described the others in the group. My list says “Amanda is ORIGINAL, NATURAL, CLEVER, BRAVE, WITTY, CAPABLE, QUIRKY and A CREATIVE, INTERESTING STYLISH DRESSER”. I am going to work on accepting these things that others see in me, because they are the gifts with which I have been blessed. Then I can move on, beyond the needs of my ego, to deeper connections with those around me. Oh dear, I’m already wondering how vain I will sound if I post this...which defeats the object of this entire message! I’m going to take a deep breath and send this out to the world.

Life in Zigzags

You cannot force a poem that wants to sway across the page to walk in a straight line.

I love this! I found it during one of my random internet searches on something I can no longer recall. It was said in an interview by one poet, Alan Finlay talking to another poet, Gary Cummiskey. I love the way I can picture these words sashaying across the page while the poet tries to shepherd them into rows! I spend a lot of time trying to control my writing, trying to control my thinking, trying to control my life. Sometimes I take a few steps forward and then one massive one back. Sometimes I have no idea where I am headed. Sometimes I think I am taking a long time to reach any destination. Maybe just for today I will practise accepting that it's OK to live in zigzags. Because life is not that straightforward.

Below is my favourite Gary Cummiskey poem and to me it relates to living in zigzags because what is the dream? What is it we are trying to achieve? Why are some people clearer about where they're going and is that a good thing? Personally, I'm a little more zigzaggy in my approach.

The poem:

I’m so glad to hear you’ve finally managed your dream:

a husband

a house

a baby girl

in fact, all that you’d ever asked for!

And me?

Well...me...

Ach, well I

still stand

in the

garden

at midnight

trying to

eat

the stars

Notice in Writing

Why NOTICE IN WRITING? Because it works on more than one level. I like that. I love words and being able to play with words just like a kid plays with lego. You can build things with words! Funny things and useful things and painful things and joyful things. I thought something legalish would be funny because I used to be a lawyer and I still think like a lawyer and argue like a lawyer! All legal documents always say that parties have to provide “notice in writing” of various things such as intention to cancel. On another level entirely, I notice in writing what I am thinking. When I think I tend to go around in circles like a lame duck. When I write I am forced to examine my own thinking because I can SEE it and so it helps my process of destuckification. That’s a new word I learned today. I‘ll talk about that in a separate post. Today I’m just going to notice in writing that it’s pretty cool that stringing words together can be so satisfying.