There are many crossroads in our lives. Moments when we have to choose one direction over another. Some of them are “external” in nature such as which job to take (or which apartment to rent). For these there are wonderful books like Po Bronson’s What Should I do with My Life? And The Work We are Born to Do (I have SHELVES full of these books!).
I am at one of those career crossroads now. Actually I have taken some steps, so I guess I’m not at the crossroad anymore. But it’s a new road and it’s unfamiliar. Sometimes terrifyingly unfamiliar for Calamity Jane. The good news is that I have already encountered many wondrous women who will walk down this road with me. They are smart and conscious and intuitive and have wisdom and patience in quantities that I don’t possess yet!
But there are other sorts of crossroads that are more "internal". They are paths in my mind that represent different ways of reacting to situations. These are internal because these paths are actually my beliefs or way of looking at events. My mindset will determine my behaviour so the choice I make at the internal crossroads will determine my external path. And there a million books on how to change how you think about things! Power vs Force, A New Earth, You Can Heal Your Life, Man’s Search for Meaning to name just four. I believe there is an endless market for such books because it is human nature to search for meaning in life’s events.
The internal crossroads I’m talking about look like this:
Something has happened, I have been hurt, life hasn’t gone as I wished it to and now I must choose a reaction.
There is the path of the child – which involves various methods of self-defence, blaming, hurting back, anger, shouting and sulking and silent withdrawal. It’s about ego really. Then there is the higher path of the enlightened person – which is a path of acceptance, of letting go, of turning the other cheek, being the bigger person, taking nothing personally, acknowledging that everything unfolds for our highest good and that we have the ability to meet fear with love and meet anger with calm.
Yikes! I don’t want to behave like a child, as tempting as it can be, because that will only end up hurting me again and I’m trying quite hard to grow out of hurting myself. But gosh, I’m pretty far from enlightenment.
And so I gaze upon these crossroads. I think about the situations in which I have been deeply wounded. How am I going to act? How can I act rather than react?
And I think about the daily moments when someone “treads” on your toes, pushes a button, triggers an old wound. At every moment, I have a choice. Child or Saint?
I move slowly forward, trying to find my path. The path of a woman, who’s neither child nor saint. A woman who’s aware enough to see that there are different paths, but often moving too fast to choose the right one. Instead, she plunges off the edge of the beaten track and ends up alone, full of thorns and miles off course.
Dear Universe, help me slow down enough to SEE THE CROSSROADS, read all signposts and choose an easier path.
When it comes to the very big crossroads, may I take the time to sit under a tree, seek the counsel of locals that have been that way before and only when I am ready, let them guide my way on. I'll get there in the end, I know I will and I'll be a helluva lot less bruised and exhausted if I avoid all the potholes and deadends.
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